I’ve been watching the news: the murder of George Floyd, the riots and protests, the continued police brutality. People in the highest positions in the country are openly, blatantly, threatening to harm citizens for exercising their First Amendment rights. This isn’t the first police killing of a person of color by a white police officer that I’ve lived through, but the first where the entire world burned in rage and demanded change on a scale unimagined till now.
I watched, and I’ve decided: it was time. Time to tell my children the truth they will need to keep them safe in the coming years.
I have four children–two boys (13 and 10) and two girls (12 and 3). My two boys are autistic, my youngest daughter is strongly suspected to be as well. I decided it was time to teach the oldest three the hard facts of being Different in Today’s World.
Both of my boys are spontaneous touch averse–they react strongly if touched without warning or if they can’t see it coming. My oldest will cry, my youngest will fight. They are also unable to deal with someone yelling at them to do anything in an aggressive manner – both will go into epic meltdowns.
Imagine if these obviously Jewish looking boys were in an altercation with the police. Imagine if the police suspected them of being “off”. I can, and the thought terrified me enough that I refused to shelter my children anymore.
I sat them down one evening this past week, and started the conversation like this: “Have you heard about the black man that was killed by the police? And about the riots, how people are so angry because a policeman put his knee against his neck and didn’t get off him until after he was unconscious?”
“Yeah! The police officer was white and the man was black and he got killed! He wasn’t fighting or anything! Police shouldn’t do that, ever, it doesn’t matter what your skin looks like!”
I continue: “The police aren’t so nice to people who are different. Like if your skin is black or brown, or if you are Asian, or if you look very Jewish, like you two do. Like Totty and Mommy and your sisters do. Also, police aren’t always so nice to people who have different brains and ways of thinking from everyone else, either. Like you two.”
Taking a deep breath, I continued, and crushed basic childhood beliefs into the ground. “If, Gd forbid, either of you are ever stopped by the police when you are outside, you are to scream “Please don’t yell or touch me, I’m autistic!” And you are not to fight them, even if you really really want to. Whatever they say to do, you do right away.”
“But what if we didn’t do anything wrong? Why do we tell them about being ASD, (until now, they weren’t completely aware of their diagnoses, they just knew they acted and thought differently from other people – and that it’s 1000% okay) why do we just do whatever they say?”
“Because you both know how you are when someone yells or touches you and didn’t ask first. If you fight or act like you might fight, the police can possibly hurt you really badly. If you do what they say, there is less chance of getting hurt, or being kept away from Totty and Mommy for too long. If you fight the police, they can arrest you and accuse you of hurting them.”
Both of them are stunned: all their lives, they have been taught to trust the police. My husband and I had been taught to trust the police. The police catch the bad guys, and help you when you’re in trouble. If you are good and follow the law, the police are the nice ones that make their sirens go off if you ask politely enough. They are the ones who stand outside the shuls and yeshivas, keeping Yidden safe. We give them treats on Purim and money as a present for their winter holiday, because we are thankful for what they do.
What happens when the police are the bad guys, and your only crime is being visibly Jewish and neuro-divergent?
The thing is, I’m ethnically half-Jewish (I converted). Before I became Jewish, and then married, I could “pass” at times. If I kept my hair back or straightened so the curls weren’t visible, and no one asked my last name, I could “pass”. It worked even better when I went through a phase of thinking I looked better with auburn hair. I favor my mother’s (may her soul rest in peace) people: fair-complected, light-eyed, with a retrousse nose. If I put on a pair of jeans and uncovered my hair, even now I am pretty confident I could “pass”. I have been told on good authority that my accent is indicative of nothing more than being well-educated and from the rural Tri-State area.
My husband also could “pass”, if he shaved off his peyos. He is also fair in complexion, with light colored eyes and an aquiline nose. His name is a giveaway, however. As is his accent–it’s a bit too Ashkenazi Jewish.
For so long, I have wanted little more than for my children to be proudly Jewish–with the ability to “pass” if necessity demanded it. And on appearance alone, three could. All are fair skinned, light eyed, with that hair that’s not blond or brown but somewhere smack in the middle. My youngest son, however, inherited his Zayde’s (of blessed memory) nose. Let the evil come to me and my husband: we could deal with it. I knew we could, because I had as a teenager. Just leave the children alone, please Gd.
On this night, I mourned. I mourned (and still do) in solidarity for all people of color, for the centuries of systemic abuse in every facet of their lives. People of color are (mostly) unable to pass–you can’t erase melanin. Every step away from trusted places, from family and friends brings a need for caution and care in order just to get back home safely. That is life on a level that I could never imagine and would never wish on anyone, ever. There are a few exceptions, and all the blessings and power to them. Whether or not they choose to exercise that privilege is their choice and whatever that choice is right.
I mourned for the fact that I had to tell my children so young about some very, very hard truths: the fact that they are better off finding an adult they feel they can trust instead of looking for a policeman if they get into trouble. The fact that the police will hurt them first, then ask questions. The fact they have to use their neuro-divergency to keep themselves safe from people they should have been able to trust sickens me. But if I didn’t do this, the alternative could potentially be so much worse.
I mourned because I realized that despite my deepest wishes (and not to be something they aren’t, but merely to protect them), in 2020 my children don’t “pass”. I mourned in regret of my ignorance, of holding onto antiquated notions of genetics and behavior being able to keep my family safe. You see, even my oldest daughter, the only one of us six who could honestly and truly “pass”, had this to say:
“We’re Jewish, Mommy, isn’t that what you wanted?”
At twelve, she is smarter than I had been for decades!
Hard fact: if you’re not white and a believer in a gospel Jews don’t subscribe to there is every likelihood you are or have been in the crosshairs of prejudice and discrimination.
In case I’ve not been clear, let me do so now. There is not a single person on the planet that should be judged by what intrinsically makes a being a person: race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, gender, ability. Gd created every single person, and each one has a spark of the Divine in them. No one has the right to make anyone else feel inferior or less than for any of those reasons. There is no comparison for suffering, and to belittle or attempt to erase a person or group of people’s suffering, to attempt to equate it to your own is the height of ignorance.
