According to a survey conducted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) in 2014, nearly three quarters of their 2,500 survey sample population experienced gaslighting in their relationships, and over half of those identified gaslighting as an obstacle to accessing support (Sweet, 2019). Given that the population sampled in this study were those calling a domestic violence hotline, we can assume that the participants in this survey were only part of a larger population of abuse victims not represented in this survey.
I’m a survivor of domestic violence. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, mostly because I didn’t believe it. Even looking back on my experience, which lasted about seven years, I still feel shaky on the details, doubting myself, and whether or not I dreamt the whole thing up. This isn’t uncommon. I was a victim of gaslighting, and many, many others like me come out of their relationships feeling the same way. We all have episodes of residual self-doubt. Some of us never get better.
Gaslighting is a term derived from the 1938 play (and subsequent film adaptation) “Gas Light,” by Patrick Hamilton, in which an opportunistic man, Gregory, systematically drives his new wife, Paula, into insanity by using a technique The American Psychological Association defines as actions used, “to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.” The play’s title alludes to how Gregory slowly dims the gas lights in their home, while pretending nothing has changed, in an effort to make Paula doubt her own perceptions. Gaslighters will discount their victim’s feelings, “reframe” experiences, and even rewrite history in order to keep their victims constantly doubting their value, adequacy, and even sanity.
Why does this happen? Some do it to cover up a misdeed. Others use it to win an argument. To put it bluntly, it’s all about control. Robin Stern, a psychoanalyst and Associate Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence writes, “A gaslighter is a student of social learning. They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a potent tool” (Stern, 2019).
While gaslighting is a widespread and highly effective control mechanism, what shocks so many is that most people don’t realize it’s happening to them. I didn’t. In fact, it took someone coming over to my home to tell me point blank. Me, a reasonably intelligent person with a college education. It made coming to terms with it so much more difficult. Hopefully, after reading this piece, you’ll not only be able to better identify it, but know how to intervene and stop it as well.
As an example, I compiled a short list of common things gaslighters say to “diffuse” direct allegations, particular feelings a person has, or personal anecdotes any concerns brought to light. You’ve probably heard these lines used a million times and never thought twice about them:
“You’re so sensitive!”
“Stop acting crazy/You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?”
“You are just paranoid.”
“I was just joking!”
“It’s no big deal.”
“Nobody REALLY believes that.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“Surely, you misunderstood.”
“You’re not powerless. Why don’t you do something about it?”
“Don’t get so worked up.”
“There’s no pattern/You are seeing a pattern that is not there.”
“Stop being so negative!”
“But what you described—EVERYONE goes through that.”
“Who’s going to believe you if you’re dressed/acting/talking like that?”
“You’re not 100% innocent in this either.”
“All lives matter.”
Stern continues that “The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative. He lacks self-awareness and may think he is expressing himself directly, or is prone to unflinching honesty, saying it “like it is” (Stern, 2019).
Hopefully, by now, it should be blatantly obvious that I’m not talking about myself, nor the thousands of people touched by domestic violence and abuse. The violence of which I speak is not just domestic, but mainstream, systematic, and prevalent in our society. Gendered and sexual stereotypes, structural exclusions, and institutional discrimination create the conditions for violence (Anderson 2005, Armstrong, Gleckman-krut ,and Johnson 2018; Richie 2012; Saguy 2003; Stark 2007)(Sweet, 2019).
How many times have you heard any of the phrases on my list? How many times have you used them? How many times have you heard these statements and chose to simply laugh it off or feign agreement? How many times did you actually agree? How many times have you tried to stop the violence?
The fact is, persons of color are being gaslighted en masse, and others are being brainwashed into thinking this is okay.
We are being told that these anecdotes of racism we experience “weren’t all THAT bad.” Obviously, we “didn’t understand the full context” of what was said. We go to dinners where conversations involving stereotypes as comedic subjects are tossed around like a ball, to be followed by, “You know we’re joking, right?” We’d be lucky if somebody ELSE chimes in to put a stop to it. Gaslighters rely on stereotypes and social positioning to discredit their victims. That extra jab we get of, “Well, the rest of you guys ought to stop [abhorrent behavior du jour] if you ever want to be taken seriously.”
That there is the nail in our credibility coffin. Many courtrooms in the United states recognize emotional abuse such as gaslighting as violence, yet, it doesn’t prevent this violent behavior from being exacted upon those society wishes to keep at bay.
Many psychologists and therapists alike use the term, “crazy making behavior,” to describe gaslighting tactics, and it aptly describes the results. Victims of gaslighting become desperate, depressed, hopeless, and doubt themselves. Some, like me, develop a chronic illness. They spiral downwards, sometimes out of control. Individuals abused by their partners sometimes end up in institutions. Some can’t recover.
The same can be said for persons of color gaslighted by a majoritive society, only the institutions are not mental institutions, they’re correctional facilities, and no, many can’t recover from this type of emotional violence inflicted upon them. Year after year, we’re painted as intellectually disadvantaged, socially disadvantaged, uncivilized, immoral, sexually impotent, sexually objectified, lazy, destroyers of the bell curve, ruthless, after your job, after your women, after your men, draining the system, hoodlums, thugs, gangsters, bat eaters, plague vectors. All we’re trying to do is raise a family and live that American Dream that’s advertised the world over—some actually wonder why we lose it sometimes?
Watch the film and see how it turned out for Paula.
Before discounting yet another attempt at honest discussion, think about that comeback you have ready. Compare it to the generic ones on my list. Think about what you’re going to do if you hear a “harmless” kiddush discussion about “those people.” Will you respond to somebody’s earnest attempts to discuss and work out a traumatic, racially motivated experience with a comforting, “I’m sorry you experienced that. People aren’t like that in my shul” (spoiler alert: they’re in EVERY shul)? Will you share that funny, but “slightly racist” meme? Will you give it a thumbs up? Will you look at the protesting and looting and rioting and say you want the violence to end? If so, how many persons of color have you gaslighted today?
Citations
APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Retrieved June 09, 2020, from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight
Stern, R. (2018, December 19). Gaslighting, explained. Retrieved June 09, 2020, from https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843